


Stay Lost

by Suitjacketsonfire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Gen, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Sam Winchester - Freeform, abused, abused!Dean, abusive!John, hurt!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-04 21:39:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15156173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suitjacketsonfire/pseuds/Suitjacketsonfire
Summary: Sam starts to think that Dean might be right about John doing his best to raise them. Dean doesn't want Sam to believe the lies Dean tells himself.





	1. Chapter 1

"Dad did the best he could to raise us!" Dean yelled, Sam rolled his eyes. There Dean goes again, protecting Dad and his shitting parenting.

"Bullshit!" Sam yelled right back, he'd get through to his brother, "Dad was rarely ever around and when he was, he was a drill sergeant. You were practically the one who raised me." 

"Dad was busy hunting down the yellow-eyed demon. Do you really want him to give up on revenge just so you can have your apple pie life?" Dean asked, meaning for each word to hit Sam in the heart. But Dean could never really wrap his head around the fact that Sam wasn't nearly as close to mom as Dean and Dad were. Of course Sam wanted the demon dead, but if it was a dead demon or a healthy family. Sam would take the healthy family any day.

"Whatever! I'm never going to be able to show you," Sam yelled. They've had this argument so many times before. Too many times. And neither of them would ever stray from their original beliefs. Sam flipped of his brother and left the motel room. Frankly, the only reason Sam was actually helping Dean find Dad was because he was family. And even if Dad was a bit neglective at time. He was still Sam's dad. Maybe Sam was wrong. Maybe Dad did do his best, and his best just wasn't perfect. Maybe Dean is right and Dad just wanted them to have a good life but he just couldn't do that with monsters living in our world. Maybe Dad just didn't want Sam and Dean to die bloody deaths like their mom had to. 

Sam turned back around to look at the yellow motel door. And he made his way back to Dean.

"What are you doing back?" Dean asked, looking up as Sam opened the motel door. It wasn't meant to be rude, Sam knows that. Dean just has a hard time getting out of this fighter mindset.

"You're right," Sam admitted. He walked closer to Dean on his bed, admitting exactly what he thought he'd never admit. 

"What?" Dean asked, replacing his anger with confusion. Or at least pushing his anger to the side for the moment. 

"I mean your right, Dad wasn't perfect, but he tried his best. I shouldn't be so harsh, Dad was a pretty good dad," Sam smiled and he expected Dean to smile back. Maybe rub it in Sam's face that he had one the argument. But he just looked angry and... sad... 

"Don't say that," Dean told Sam bitterly. Snapping out each word between gritted teeth. 

"What? Why not?" Sam asked, letting his curiousity win over every other emotion. 

"Because I need you to continue to fight with Dad, to backtalk him and yell and fight because I can't, so you have to," Dean admitted. It didn't make any sense to Sam. Did Dean want to fight with Dad? Why would he want that? Dean's always been dad's good little soldier. "Dad is an awful father. He shouldn't have done any of the things he's done to us, he's a fucking asshole but I can't say that to him." 

"Why can't you say that to him, Dean? What are you so afraid of?" Sam yelled. He didn't mean to yell, really, but this was too much all at once and Sam didn't know what to make of what Dean was telling him. 

For a moment, Dean's expression went from angry to full on terrified. He even flinched, then he looked down. Ashamed. Why the hell would Dean be ashamed. "Nevermind Sammy, just forget I said anything," Dean stood up and Sam stood up to because goddamnit if Sam's gonna let Dean walk away and shut his emotions down forever. Sam's not missing this chance to save his brother. 

"No Dean, tell me. I won't get mad, I won't even tell Dad if you don't want me to," Sam said, making his voice soft, and his face softer. But reached out and stopped Dean from leaving by wrapping his hand around Dean's wrist. Dean stopped and sighed but didn't look at Sam. 

"Remember that werewolf hunt in Cordele, Georgia?" Dean asked softly. Sam remembers. Sam was 13, Dad wanted Sam to go on that hunt with them, it would be Sam's first hunt. And of course, Sam didn't want to go. And Dean didn't want Sam to go either, he fought for Sam. Kept telling Dad that the hunt was too dangerous for Sam, Dad wasn't giving in and Dean punched Dad. It shocked everyone. But Dad let Sam stay with Bobby and took Dean to Cordele, when Dad and Dean came back two weeks later, Dad was as healthy as ever and Dean was still bloody and bruised. 

"Yeah, I remember. You punched Dad. It was awesome." 

"It was the worse mistake of my life. Dad used me as bait for the werewolf, the hunt was over within two days. Dad spent the rest of the two weeks making sure I understood not to disobey him or even think about punching him if not in training ever again. I had scars and bruises for a month after that, I had to get some girl from school to get me make-up to hide them." Sam dropped Dean's wrist. Dean still didn't look at Sam but he didn't leave either. Dad beat Dean? And Sam never noticed? What the fuck kind of brother is he? 

"Dean, I'm sorry, I didn't know," Was all Sam could think of saying, Dean smiled. 

"I know. I made sure you wouldn't know." 

"Why?" 

"Why what?" 

"Why didn't you tell me, or Bobby, or Pastor Jim? Why didn't you tell a teacher or CPS or someone?" Sam was pleading for answers now. Or maybe he was pleading that Dean would say that he never had to tell anyone because Dad had only ever beaten him up that one time in Cordele, but when Sam thought back to how many bruises Dean had pretty much all the time, Sam knew that wasn't true.

"Dad would kill me if I called CPS," Dean laughed, it was a joke, but it made Sam's insides twist. "I didn't want you to know, Pastor Jim would call CPS, and Bobby would act like CPS and take you and me away from Dad which would just be worse," Dean shrugged and Sam realized he was right but that didn't make him feel any better.

"Screw Dad. Let's hunt by ourselves, Dad doesn't want to be found and screw him. Let's go the opposite way of our leads and start hunting," Sam said, moving to look at his brothers face. His brothers red, seconds away from crying face which just made Sam's need to cry that much greater.

"Whatever jerk, I just wanna go to bed," Dean tried to lighten the mood, but his voice was just so dead so he pushed past Sam and locked himself in the bathroom.

Sam realized for the first time in his life that Dean wasn't ok, and he probably wouldn't be ok for a long time. But he will be, eventually, Sam will do anything that's necessary to make sure that his brother can move past this and that John stays the fuck away from them.


	2. Monsters of Different Species

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean are in Chicago working a hunt, they run into Meg at a bar and she tells Dean what Sam told her while running away to California. It hits Dean pretty hard, and Sam's gotta fix it.

"Welcome to good old Chicago!" Dean hollered, Sam rolled his eyes. He wanted to take some time off, talk some things out with Dean, figure out what they are going to do about Dad before getting back on the job. But of course Dean wouldn't stand for that, the dude can't survive more that two days tops with out a gig to solve. So Sam found a news article, a waitress named Meredith was murdered in her apartment, her windows were locked, door was bolted, and the alarms were on. Seemed fishy.

"Of course Dean, parties, girls, and booze, sounds like your kind of place," Sam teased lightly. Dean grinned, not even trying to deny it.

"Ah, shut up, you love it!" Dean smirked before walking into the bar. Apparently it was where Meredith worked, and of course Dean went straight to talk with the waitresses. Said he was going to ask them some things about Meredith, but Sam highly doubted that was 100% true. But who was Sam to complain? After their chat in the motel, Sam expected Dean to come crashing down. Need emotional support. And of course Dean did need it, but he was holding up just as well as he's always done. Sam supposed he was stupid for expecting anything less of his brother, but still, Dean was way stronger than Sam ever thought.

"I talked to the bartender," Dean said, slouching into the chair across from Sam, and snapping Sam out of his thoughts. Who knew Sam would be more effected by Dean's admittion that Dean?

"Did you get anything? Besides her number?" Sam asked, sighing as he spotted the napkin in Dean's hands.

"Dude, I'm a professional. I'm offended that you would think that," Dean tried to lie but when Sam gives him a knowing look, Dean breaks his act and grins. "Alright, yeah," Dean chuckled and held up the napkin like a damn trophy.

"Do you mind doin' a little bit of thinking with your upstairs brain, Dean?" Sam asked, Dean looked confused for a moment before giving Sam a perfected bitch face.

"Huh? Look, there's nothing to find out. I mean, Meredith worked here, she waited tables, everyone here was her friend. Everyone said she was normal. She didn't do or say anything weird before she died so what about the symbol, you find anything?" Dean asked, reporting the details as if they were the most boring things in the world, but Sam was satisfied so he looked down at Dad's journal for his own report.

"Nope, nothing. It wasn't in Dad's journal or in any of the usual books. I just have to dig a little deeper, I guess," Sam sighed, watching Dean's brain work for some other lead.

"Well, there was a first victim, right? Before Meredith?"

"Right. Yeah," Sam pulled out a news clipping of the first murder and held it out for Dean to see, "his name was Ben Swardstrom. Last month he was found mutilated in his town house. Sam deal - the door was locked, the alarm was on."

"Is there any connection between the two of them?" Dean asked, starting to get desperate for answers. Of course. he'd never actually get to that point because this is Dean we're talking about.

"Not that I can tell - I mean, not yet, at least. Ben was a banker, Meredith was a waitress. They never met, never knew anyone in common - they were practically from different worlds."

"So, to recap, the only successful intel we've scored so far is the bartender's phone number," Dean smirks but Sam isn't paying attention. There's a blond head a couple tables over that looks way too familiar. "What?" Dean's faded voice asks, but Sam is already up and out of his seat. It can't be her Sam tells himself but when he places his hand on her shoulder and she turns around. It's obvious. It's her.

"Meg," Sam says shocked, Meg smiles and stands up.

"Sam! Is that you? Oh my God!" Meg pulls Sam into a hug but Sam's too busy trying to wrap his head around this. He met Meg once, weeks ago, when he was pissed at his brother and heading for California. And Chicago is a far distance from California. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just in town, visiting friends," Sam lies quickly, but he isn't expecting Meg to look around for them.

"Where are they?" She asks, almost as if she doesn't believe him, Sam blinks at her but brushes it off.

"Well, they're not here right now, but what about you, Meg? I thought you were goin' to California," Sam changes the subject and notices Dean catch up to him but he's doesn't want to introduce Dean to Meg. He isn't sure what's going on with Meg yet and he said some pretty shitty things about Dean to Meg that Dean really doesn't need to hear right now.

"Oh, I did. I came. I saw. I conquered. Oh, I met what's-his-name, something Michael Murray at a bar," Meg said. It seemed like a shitty reason to be in Chicago and leave California after only a couple weeks.

"Who?" Sam questioned but Meg waved it off.

"Oh, it doesn't matter. Anyway, the whole scene got old, so I'm living here for a while," Meg says and Dean clears his throat but Sam ignores him. 

"You're from Chicago?"

"No, Massachutsetts - Andover. Gosh, Sam, what are the odds we'd run into eachother?" Meg asks all innocent.

"Yeah, I know. I thought I'd never see you again," Sam explained but Meg's smile was unwavering.

"Well, I'm glad you were wrong." Sam nods and Dean clears his throat again and catches Meg's attention. The smile finally dropped. "Cover your mouth, dude."

"Yeah, um, I'm sorry, Meg. This is my brother, Dean," Sam introduced, seeing no other choice at this point. He can't keep ignoring his brother. Especially not after that edging on rude comment Meg pulled.

"This is Dean?" Meg asked, surprised, Dean smiled.

"So, you've heard of me?" Dean asks and Megs expression hardens again.

"Oh, yeah. I've heard of you. Nice - the way you treat your brother like luggage," Meg bites and Sam winces. Fuck.

"Sorry?" Dean asks, physically taking a step back.

"Why don't you let his do what he wants to do? Stop dragging him over God's green earth." Meg snaps again and Sam stepped in. Dean doesn't need to hear this.

"Meg, it's alright." Sam says and he doesn't know why he says it like that. He doesn't know why he didn't just tell Meg that everything she said wasn't true. But before he can say any of those things. Dean had left to get a drink. So Sam quickly gets Meg's last name and phone number. He doesn't want Dean to think that he actually believes those things so he rushes to catch his brother outside. Beer in hand.

"Who the hell was she?" Dean asks. Or more like snaps before taking a sip of his beer.

"No one, I only met her once," Sam says and Dean looks away.

"Was it true? Do you not want to be here? Is this some pity party? You find out Dad beat me as a kid and now you feel like you need to stick around?" Dean asks harshly, but Dean's not looking at Sam so Sam knows that Dean's on the edge of tears.

"No, Dean. I don't want to leave and this isn't a pity party. I'm not just here because of what you told me. Sure, I'm here to support you, but I'm also here because your my brother and someone's gotta hunt these things," Sam tells Dean but he knows just that's not going to fix Dean up nice and tidy with a big red bow on top. But it's something.

"I don't need support," Dean says stubbornly.

"Dean, Dad hurt you! Dad- Dad is a monster, he made you feel like trash and-"

"Shut up, Sam. Dad's not a monster. The thing that killed Meredith is a monster. Dad- Dad just did what was necessary, it's not like I didn't deserve it," Dean said and Sam was rendered into silence for a moment. He knew Dean had self-esteem issues. But he never thought- Sam never thought Dean thought he deserved Dad's abuse.

"I'm gonna kill him. We're gonna find Dad and I'm gonna kill him," Sam decided, Dean finally looked at him. A warning look in his eyes.

"Sammy-"

"When we find Dad, I'm gonna tell Dad all those things you couldn't tell him without consequences, and well, if some of those things involve violence-"

"Sam. Dad's human. A hunter. He's a good person. He is. I just wasn't very good at following instructions, so, I had to be taught. it's my own fault I got those scars on my back. It's my own fault when you would get hurt." Dean said the words too calmly and it made Sam's blood run cold. Scars on his back? From what? Sam wasn't sure he wanted to think about it, but he had to know.

"Dean, what did Dad do to you to get those scars?" Sam asked slowly, calmly. As if talking to an animal he didn't want to scare off before he could help it.

"Dad's belt," Dean looked back down again, his cheeks going red. He was embarrassed of all things. And Sam was torn between taking Dean as far away from Dad as possible and going straight to him so he can rip his heart out.

"Hey," Sam said, slowly taking the beer bottle out of the death grip Dean had on it, wrapping his arms around Dean. Dean didn't even fight it, and Sam said those words he should've said a long time ago, "I love you and everything's going to be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I'll write another chapter where they run into John and Sam tells him everything. Should it get physical? I haven't decided yet.


	3. Confrontation and Conformation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean find John in their motel room.

"Why didn't you just leave that stuff in the car?" Dean asks, as Sam and Dean walk back to their motel room. Thoroughly worn out from what they found out about Meg. Turns out she's a demon. A powerful one at that. Sam really knows how to pick 'em.

"I said it before, and I'll say it again - better safe than sorry." Dean unlocks the door and the light-hearted tone dies. An outline of a man is in their room, and frankly Dean isn't pumped about the fight continuing.

"Hey!" Dean yells as Sam turns on the light. But when the man turns around, it isn't a threat. Or at least, he isn't a threat at the moment. It's John Winchester. And he's smiling. "Dad?"

"Hey boys," Dad says then turns to Sam, "Hi, Sam."

"Hey, Dad," Sam says awkwardly. Sam places the bag of weapons on the floor, he isn't sure what to do. He looks over at Dean, and sees panic in his face.

"Dad, it was a trap. I didn't know, I'm sorry," Dean apologizes and Sam winces. Realizing how many times Dean apologized to Dad for things that weren't Dean's fault. 

"It's all right. I thought it might've been," Dad says and Dean nods but he only seems more nervous and seems to cower in on himself. They're acting. It's an act. For Sam, and Sam can't take it.

"Stop," Sam says roughly, grabbing Dean's elbow and pulling him farther away from Dad, but not letting go once he had done it. "Stop acting, I know."

"Stop what? What do you know?" Dad asks, too calmly. A wave of guilt washes over Sam. Dad was so calm because Sam hadn't figured it out when they lived in the same house. Why would he figure it out now?

"I know what you did to Dean. I know you were abusive. I know that's why Dean follows your every order, why he wants to do everything right. I don't think anything poorly of him because of that anymore. It's not because he idolizes you, it's because he's scared." Sam barks, and Dad starts to get nervous. Sam doesn't know why he was on the pedestal, above Dean. He doesn't know why he accepted it so easily, not bothering to see things from Dean's perspective. Well, he's going to smash that pedestal. Preferably with Dad on it.

"Are you lying to your brother now, Dean? I knew you got messed up when Sam went to Stanford, but I didn't think you'd say something like this to keep Sam from leaving," Dad accused and Dean didn't fight it. He just looked down. So Sam fought for him. Dean had done it for Sam so many times before, and he got beat for it. Dean deserves Sam to fight for him.

"He didn't need to say anything to get me to go with him. At first I came for you, but now I'm here for Dean. And I'll always be here for Dean! Just fucking admit it! I've seen the fucking scars!" Sam yelled and finally let go of Dean's arm, using the hand to land a punch on the side of his dad's head.

"You listen here, boy-" Dad started, and then Dean was between them.

Sam felt like he was going to puke. Even now. Dean's going to protect John.

"You don't hurt him," Dean told Dad off roughly. "If you aren't going to listen to him, if you're just gonna deny it and fight it then hear it from me. Fuck. You. You shouldn't have given a baby to a four year old. You shouldn't have handed the four year old a gun and beat him when ever the baby got a scratch. I'm not mom. I'm not a fucking soldier. Fucking own up to what you did."

Both Dad and Sam paused for a moment. Dean fights a lot. But never defending himself, it seemed to cause Dad to break.

"I-I was drunk..." He said, his voice broken. But not the type of broken the elicits sympathy. And he didn't get any from Dean.

"Half of the time. Half of the time you were, I don't think you thought I could tell the difference. But I could. I always could. You were a lot harder when sober," Dean said it was so real and raw and if Sam wasn't going to throw up before, he was now. Dad couldn't even fight it. He looked down. 

"I don't give a shit what you're doing here. I don't give a shit what you're going to do. I'm gonna hunt with Sammy and we better not run into you again or I won't stop Sam from beating you up, I'll join in." And with that, Dean grabbed the weapons bag and was out of the room. Sam didn't say anything more but grabbed their thankfully already packed bags and met Dean in the Impala.

"That was good Dean, I'm proud of you," Sam said and Dean beamed like it was the first time he's heard those words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Should I write a part 2?


End file.
